My Journey: Overcoming the Stigma; getting help

For me, this post is the most important of all 3 so far. Throughout the first half of this series, you got to know my struggles with depression and anxiety on a deeper, more vulnerable level, compared to what I’ve shared before on my blog. However, this post delves into everything that helped me to get to where I am today, and all of the things I’ve tried/tested to find out what was best for me.

When the struggle with my mental illness became all too much, I reached out to a handful of friends and family. Reaching out was the first, hardest step I had to take. There comes a point where the internal battle becomes so overwhelming, that you’re in the position where if you don’t tell anybody, your thoughts may take you to places even darker than where you currently are, so I took the leap and it paid off, to an extent. Speaking to my friends about what I was going through, almost opened my eyes to the severity of how I felt. I explained that I was feeling the way I was, and immediately they mentioned making an appointment with my GP, but I just wasn’t ready to take THAT step just yet, not for a while at least. Telling a friend/loved one really does ease the burden of suffering by yourself, however, they can only listen and provide certain advice, unlike a doctor/psychologist, of which is in the position to provide more specific and professional advice. I felt more obliged to seek professional help for 2 reasons; 1) I didn’t want to seem a burden to those I love, and 2) I wanted help that was really going to CHANGE how I felt. Speaking to someone I loved, felt comforting because I felt listened to; appreciated; and I felt less alone in my battle, but neither of them were in a position to offer me techniques or advice which would directly impact my mental health.

Mid-2018, I had a check up/review for my diabetes, in which I was due to be seen by my consultant, a nurse, a psychologist and a dietician. This seemed the perfect opportunity to finally seek the help I desired.

As I walked into my appointment, I was greeted by 4 professionals (in diabetes), which was overwhelming enough, let alone the fact I was about to tell them how I have been feeling lately. I had already prepared a letter, whereby I listed my thoughts and feelings that I had been experiencing at/around that current time. As I sat down, my doctor had asked me how I was doing, to which I responded with tears. I began to cry, because I was feeling so overwhelmed and nervous about telling them what I had been going through. After a few minutes, I pulled the letter from my pocket and presented it to my psychologist who was sat in the room at the time, I was praised by the team for being brave enough to share such information, but most importantly a weight had been lifted off of my shoulder, a huge weight.

My psychologist briefly spoke with me and had discussed with me that she would be referring me to a local children’s mental health specialist team. I was contacted by these a few days post-appointment, and I went through some questionnaires, health and safety questions and a bit of family history. The woman on the phone explained that I was to be placed on a waiting list to receive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which was a long waiting list, and I was told I shouldn’t expect treatment for at least 6-12 months.

After around 6-8 months, I began receiving treatment, via CBT; one 1 hour session every fortnight, for around 6 sessions. The CBT itself was a useful therapy which provided me with a number of techniques that I can used to “ground” myself when feeling overwhelmingly anxious, or some tips to keep me in a better mood, when I begin to fall into a low mood/depressive period. The most useful technique I took from these sessions, is that when I notice myself falling into a negative space, I should do something pro-active, such as baking, reading, cleaning or socialising, in order to pick myself up. For example, when you’re depressed, and you bake a cake, you receive a huge sense of accomplishment from this, which in turn, boosts your mood. Through doing this often, these little “boosts” of happiness, all amount in to a more permanent and elongated sense of happiness in life.

I withdrew from treatment after 3 sessions, because I felt no direct impact from CBT, and didn’t think it was “working” at the time. Looking back, it had its good aspects, and bad aspects. The therapy itself was useful, and I never gave it enough of a chance, because you only get out what you put in. At the time, I didn’t put in much effort, hence why I never noticed/received much change. However, the negative aspect is the client-therapist relationship. For me, I didn’t quite “like” my therapist, I felt as though I was been looked down upon, and I didn’t feel very validated. So, a tip I would suggest is, if you are in the position where you require therapy, or are receiving therapy, ensure you get on well with your therapist and ensure you like them, because the relationship with your therapist is vital for the outcome of your treatment.

Once I withdrew from my treatment, things were okay. I completed my A-levels, started university and things seemed to be getting back on track, naturally? Until the pressures from university and work began to sink in and affect me. I knew it was too much working 21 hours a week, whilst simultaneously being a full time university student. I soon found that I had no time to complete my assignments to the best of my ability, and my grades began to slack. People often ask why I didn’t cut down my hours, or stop working; well, I had to run a car, and fulfil other expenses, which isn’t possible with just a student loan. Believe me, student loans go very quickly. It was at this time, my mental health was at a very dark, and low place, causing me to leave university, and suspend my place for a further year. By doing this, the pressure of education was lifted, and all I had left to do was work. But before I knew it, work also became too much, the routine was exhausting, the repetition within my job was draining. This led to me leaving my job also, so I was at the point where I was out of university, and had no job. As you can imagine, things were at an all time low.

Because I had already sought professional help, seeking it again was a walk in the park. I went to my GP, opened my heart and soul up to her, and she prescribed me anti-depressants and told me to contact talking therapies. At this point, I was shocked. She literally gave me some pills and told me to get therapy. Despite my anger, I was so keen to get better, to feel better. I contacted talking therapies, and began to take my medication, as instructed.

2 days in, I stopped taking my anti-depressants. I began to feel side effects such as nausea and headaches, which is common. I also noticed I had very dilated pupils, which gave me anxiety, because I was worried that others would notice I was on the tablets, and see me differently for taking these tablets. I, myself, stopped taking these because of the stigma associated with them, I was naïve enough to look past their benefits and decided to stop them, based on one irrational thought. The perks of living with anxiety aye?. And part of me was adamant I could get better on my own, without the need of anything external. 

As time went on, talking therapies began my treatment, which was virtual CBT. Slightly different from 1-to-1, in this version, I would complete CBT in the form of online PowerPoints/exercises, and would have a conversation with a therapist weekly, to review my progress. This was a far better approach for me, as it worked around me, and I could do it all in the comfort of my own home, which was a plus. However, I also withdrew from this treatment, as I lost all motivation to continue with the therapy. Unfortunately, me being me, I get bored/tired of the same thing, very easily and very quickly.

Overall, my journey with various treatments has been rather positive. I have learnt MANY things from each treatment, and have obtained a number of useful tools that I can actively use in my real life, to improve my mood, and reduce my worry on a daily basis. Despite the useful techniques I managed to learn, I found that the thing that worked better for me, is reading and educating myself.

Reading books about mental health, and my specific conditions, as well as researching other people’s experiences, helped me a whole lot. It helped me learn more about what I was going through, and learn new ways to tackle it. It allowed me to see how others cope, and the things they do to minimise their struggles. This year alone, my most successful therapy has been writing. This blog has helped me release so many bottled up thoughts and feelings, and sharing them has been such a liberating, rewarding and easing feeling, for me.

I want to take this opportunity to point out that everybody is different, and every approach affects each person DIFFERENTLY. Just because therapy or anti-depressants didn’t “work” for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. Please access all treatments you have available, and utilise them to the best of your ability. The common trait I must point out in myself, is that I never went through with the entire treatments, I always stopped them mid-way, or never allowed them to run their full course. This is the problem. In order to see the true effects of something, you must allow yourself to run it through its full course, before you decide whether it’s for you or not. However, if you’re like me, and you’re only half way through and already feeling against the treatment, then speak to your therapist or GP and explore alternative options for you. There is alwyas an option. ALWAYS.

The hardest thing about getting help, is the initial step you take to get it. Whether it be telling a GP, telling your mum, your dad, your sister, your best friend. That initial step will always be the hardest, but the most important. When you take that step, the pace picks up, and your journey to positive mental health is in sight.

If you’re worried about taking this step, then stop worrying. When you take it, things get easier from there, yes it’s hard, but it is SO WORTH IT. Your mental health is important, and you deserve to be happy, so please, trust me, and take the step to a brighter future. Tell somebody how you feel, and go from there.

You’ve got this. 💜