Losing You To Love Myself

Healing is within us all, no matter how hard it may be at the time, it’s possible and rewarding. Looking back, are there things that I would have done differently? Yes, but if I did, my story wouldn't have been quite the same as it is today. 

This post is rather different to the rest. For a while, I’ve explored different ways of expressing how I feel, and through these different ways, I found poetry. To me, poetry isn't quite about forcing out a 20 line piece of writing with multiple stanzas and constant rhyming throughout. Poetry to me is a very artistic way to express how one feels. Poetry captures a piece of the authors heart and soul on a single sheet of paper. Below is something I recently wrote in reflection of my past love. I’ve titled it ‘Loving and Losing’ as it perfectly illustrates the time I fell in love, right through to this current moment where I’m moving on and loving who I am. The road wasn't easy, it was full of toxicity, manipulation and greed, but most importantly, love, whether it was one-sided or not, love was still present, love is what drove us. 

—

Loving and Losing

We have just met,

my heart is full,

my dreams have been answered,

you were the thing I needed .

The thing that made me whole

But was this really my goal?

It’s been a few months,

our arguments are frequent,

your infidelity is taking over,

I never thought this side of you existed.

My heart is beginning to hurt,

Why am I starting to feel insecure in this shirt?

Months have passed, maybe years,

you've broke me, then healed me,

you’ve lost me, then won me,

I am beginning to rely on you.

I’ve just heard about him,

Why is this love beginning to wear thin?

I forgave you for the hurt,

the nights I spent in my room questioning my self worth,

it was all leading up to this moment, our moment,

I’m glad you're in my life still.

It’s happened again, it’s only been a week

Why are there more tears running down my cheek?

Our journey so far has been wild,

I had this expectation of love,

All I got was heartache, sadness and pain,

You broke my expectations. 

You brought into my life this harsh reality

Is love supposed to make me feel this empty?

It’s been weeks since I walked away,

my heart is in pieces,

my future doesn't seem promising,

I feel as though I've lost a part of me.

You seem happier,

It’s been weeks, shouldn't this be easier?

I’ve been on my own for months, 

I’ve learned a lot,

I have looked in the mirror,

I have rebuilt the person that you broke.

You don’t miss me,

Is this what it feels like to be free?

Truth is, my idea of love wasn't shattered,

it wasn't broken, nor ruined,

I just had the wrong idea,

I expected you to love me, when I was the one who had to love me.

I look in the mirror at the new me,

What do you see? 

I see someone with strength and courage,

But most importantly, I see myself about to flourish. 

—

Whilst reading that, I hope that my emotion came through clear enough to give you a feel for how I felt during that period of my life. If you feel as though you’re in a similar place to how I once was, remember to put yourself first. My mistake was prioritising another person over myself, and this is something that can be hugely detrimental to your mentality, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others. Self-love is the key to all of this. Becoming a happier, and content person within yourself is a long and rewarding journey, and it all begins by loving yourself enough to let go of the things and the people that do not make you happy anymore. A new chapter is upon us, a new chapter is upon you, it’s time to put an end to this toxic love in your life, start treating yourself the same way you would treat the younger version of you. Love them a little stronger.