My Journey: Anxieties sidekick; Depression

It’s very seldom when anxiety strikes alone. With many mental illnesses, they never usually strike alone, there’s always something equally, if not more, intrusive that you have to deal with simultaneously. For me, anxieties sidekick; depression made an appearance, and stayed for quite some time. Too much time in fact. Here is how it all went…

Many ask “does anxiety cause depression? or does depression cause anxiety?” I’m afraid I cannot give the answer to that question. Experiences vary from person to person, and each story is different. For me, the depression stemmed from the anxiety. The constant daily struggles with anxiety; the constant battle with worry and fear, the late nights, the early mornings, the pressures from school, the pressures in my home life, the pressures in my love life, all began to push me downhill, into this vicious cycle of depression. 

It’s frustrating, because I can’t actually tell you when I first noticed my depression, it just began to slowly work itself into my life, and became a normality, before I even knew it was prevalent. What I can tell you though, is how much it impacted me. 

It was at its most destructive during sixth form. I often wonder whether it was the pressures of A-levels that had influenced majority of it, but I cant be too sure as there was a lot going on in my life during A-levels. I was deeply involved in a toxic relationship, which is never ideal to have during any point in your life, let alone A-levels, which is deemed to be a considerably huge part of your future. Majority of my time was focused on watering a love, that was already dead. It can be argued that this love was never mutual in the first place, but I will never know. I lost a lot of dignity during this time, because I was begging for the presence of somebody, that found comfort in everybody other than me. You can only imagine the impact that had on my self worth. I gave my all to this person, all of my love, all of my time, everything I could possible give, I gave, and I received a FRACTION of the effort back. 

Unfortunately, mid sixth form, I went through a hugely traumatic event, where I nearly lost somebody very close to me. Luckily, this person is alive and well, but the images and the worry from the experience itself will never leave me. Me being me, I went into school the following day and sat an exam. Thankfully, I got a B, which was beyond amazing, considering the circumstances. But I wasn't surprised? because my coping mechanism was to always ignore the bad in life, to ignore the thoughts, the feelings, and get on with life as if everything was perfectly normal. This coping mechanism proved to be a poor one eventually. 

Time had passed since this event. A-levels were done, I had a confirmed place at university, I passed my driving test and was finally on the road, and life was seemingly good. Life was good, until I found myself in one of my most hopeless situations yet. The worst thing about depression is it comes and goes, it leaves quicker than it arrived, but returns quicker than it left, and when it strikes, it strikes hard. My point is, when you find yourself in a place where you think it has gone, and you can finally breathe, it comes swarming back and steals your oxygen. It suffocates you with intrusive, deadly thoughts and strangles you until you give in, and do what it wants you to do; punish yourself. 

Depression wants you to punish yourself, to the point where you feel as though you deserve to die. A feeling which I've encountered numerous times, but have always managed to drag myself out of this place. Often, it’s been just in time, but for some people, they never get to pull themselves out of this place. Far too often, this depression eats the most beautiful people, and takes them down to their very core, and forces them to believe they're unworthy. Unfortunately, these people believe what their mind tells them, and it’s often too late, because suicide strikes. 

It’s currently June 2020, and I first encountered my depression  in around 2016/17. Depression has taken a lot away from me. It has taken away my happiness, my friends (at times), my dignity (far too often), but what depression will never take from me, is my COURAGE to keep going. Depression has a reputation for trying to encourage vulnerable people to give up when all gets too much, but for me, I will not allow myself to succumb to this, no matter how hard it tries to convince me. I have been at my lowest points, I have them very often. But, after a low point, comes a higher point. Yes, it may go to shit after a while, but depression is a bit of a rollercoaster, there’s never a perfect line to happiness, it’s bound to be wobbly. It’s inevitable. 

There’s so much more to my depression than what I have touched on today, but if I was to tell you the entire journey of my depression, this would soon become a 20 part series, so forgive me for keeping it ‘brief’. 

To those of you reading this today, who are in a place of hopelessness, or who are in a position where this depression keeps knocking at your door, then listen to me carefully. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your mind will convince you that you are a number of horrible things. Your mind will be your biggest enemy at times, and life WILL get tough. You will find yourself at rock bottom, far too often. You will find yourself sat on the edge, holding them pills, holding that blade, holding that rope. This depression will try to drag you to the darkest points of life, but never give in. Just because you may feel alone, hopeless or unloved, does not mean these are true. Put that blade down, throw them pills away, and put that rope away! You deserve to be happy, and you will be happy if you make the first move. I know you are tired, angry, hurt, drained and done. But you need to promise you will never give up, because YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I want you to look in the mirror and say “I deserve to be happy. I am loved, I am worthy, I am beautiful. I am perfect just the way I am.”

Depression may be a lot to handle, but it really is temporary. Believe me, I know. There were nights I was going to do it. I convinced myself it was my time. Life was too much, I felt as though I didn't belong, until I looked in the mirror and decided to try one last time. Sometimes, that one ‘last’ attempt at happiness, could be the most successful attempt. 

Under every dark cloud, lies a glimmer of hope. 

My journey with anxiety and depression was hard to go through. There was lots of character building, character destruction, anger, torment, hopeless days, hopeful days, loves and losses. The journey is far from over, but the fight courage continues, and forever will until I am in the place I deserve and want to be. I am here today to tell my story, and everybody should aspire to do the same. Your experiences may help somebody who needs to hear it. 

Along the way I went through much denial, until I was ready to accept that I needed the help. I never would have been in the place I am today if it wasn't for the tools in which equipped me to get through it, the tools that I learnt along the way. 

You may ask what these tools are, and how/where I got them from. 

Well, it all started when I decided to seek professional help…