My Journey: Anxiety was only the beginning...

Welcome to the first instalment of the ‘My Journey’ series. I write this series with every intention of being entirely honest and open with you guys, my readers. But most importantly, honest with myself! I write this series, not only to tell my story, but to inspire, motivate and encourage those who are reading this right now. I know some of you reading this are in what seems to be a dark place right now. You’re drowning in the pressures of life, and are slowly giving up. You feel alone, you feel unheard, you feel unappreciated, you feel invisible. Well, this is why I’m writing this series. I am writing this to tell you that you are not alone, you are heard, you are appreciated and you are visible! I know life can get the best of us as times, and we often succumb to the feeling of unworthiness, but I want you to carry on reading this. I want you to read the things I’ve been through, experienced and learnt from. I want you to understand that there is good in every bad situation, and there’s always a rewarding lesson at the end of the darkest of tunnels. 

Anxiety is often misconceived as being ‘shy’ or ‘nervous’. It’s easily perceived this way from an outside perspective, because this perception often comes from those who haven’t experienced it in its truest, most self-destructive form. Anxiety is so much more than being ‘shy’ or ‘nervous’. Anxiety is one of the most debilitating mental illnesses to exist among us. You may ask what anxiety is, and how it feels. The answer? It varies. Anxiety sits on a continuum; by definition it's ‘a feeling of unease, such as worry or fear, that can be mild or severe’, but from experience, anxiety is different for each and every one of us who experience it. For me, anxiety is my own mind belittling my true abilities on a daily basis. Anxiety is waking up every day, feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion, worried about every slight inconvenience, worrying about what will happen in 5 minutes, in 10 minutes, in 1 hour, in 2 hours, in 1 day, in 2 days, in 1 year, in 2 years, my point is, anxiety is a constant, overbearing worry of the future and the past. Anxiety is the inability to live in the present moment. Often, it controls how I live my life, what I do with my life, but most frustratingly, it limits my life (when I allow it to). 

There wasn’t really a time where I first ‘noticed’ my anxiety. It just became some form of normality in my life, until I realised it wasn’t really ‘normal’. For as long as I can remember, social situations have been quite a triggering thing for my anxiety, public spaces especially. I remember in sixth form, I would go into the canteen, which was very busy, and I’d get this uncomfortably strong feeling in my stomach; a sickly, nerving feeling. It felt as though my insides had all cramped together. My heart would begin to pound so hard, and as I gazed around, my mind convinced me that everybody was looking at me, judging me. At this point, my face would be quite red, and I would start to sweat a lot, which would only amplify my nerves, because I was under the impression people were noticing the abnormally large sweat patches under my arm. At first, I thought I was probably just a little nervous that particular day, but after experiencing this feeling daily, it became much more apparent to me, that I was facing something far more extreme than a bit of nerves, or unease. 

Being my first 'real' encounter with anxiety, I didn’t think much of it after a while, because I got so used to this feeling of unease. I became so used to feeling constantly nervous, that I somewhat accepted it as my new reality and continued on with life, until my life became significantly impacted by this anxiety. I started taking days off school, emailing in saying my bloods had been playing up, or that I was feeling under the weather. Truth is, my body couldn’t physically get out of bed. I would set my alarm to wake up at 6:45am, ready for school. When the alarm went off, I would wake up, and feel consumed with negativity and sadness. I had no motivation to do anything. I could barely stay awake, because my body was so exhausted from the pressure my mind had put on it. Staying up, being pestered by your own thoughts until 4am, and having to wake up at 7, was very emotionally and physically draining. My anxiety was at its worst at this point in my life. My A-Levels were around the corner, and I had already had around 30 days off school. Despite being riddled with guilt, for missing out on so much school, my mind felt slightly more at ease because I was feeding this anxiety. I was giving the anxiety what it wanted. By staying home, avoiding social interaction, avoiding school pressure, avoiding daily routine, avoiding life, my anxiety was winning. 

The anxiety was taking so much away from me. It was taking away my confidence, my passion, my friends, my social life, but it was about to steal my future too. I would regularly beat myself up about being so consumed by this horrible illness and I’d often question why? Why do I have to feel like this? Why can’t I just feel normal? Why me? It felt as though I was frozen amongst a world in motion, I felt trapped and confused. These thought processes led me to actually ask myself where this anxiety came from. To this day, I can’t be certain where it came from, but I can be certain of the influences that played a part in the development of my anxiety. 

From a young age, I was exposed to varying degrees of violence around me. I won’t venture into much detail about this, but as every family knows, we all have our issues, it’s inevitable. These experiences planted that ‘seed’ within me; that seed of fear and worry. It wasn't until I grew older, that I began to realise this underlying fear and worry was manifesting within me into something far more viscous; anxiety. There were many factors that contributed toward this manifestation; my self-confidence, my sexuality, a time where I was attacked unprovoked, the robbery of my home and a toxic relationship I was in. My point isn't to list all of these things that influenced my anxiety and displace the ‘blame’; my point is to explain that there's so many things that contributed to my anxiety becoming worse. There are things that trigger it, things that ease it, and things that remain carved within me, in the form of unseen scars. It’s important to acknowledge where your problems may have arisen from, or to acknowledge things that may have triggered/influenced your current state. However, it’s important to learn from these things, rather than allowing them to manifest into something bigger. Use these routes to create new, improved paths, which lead to a place of healing instead. 

Looking back, my anxiety has affected me for a long time. At times, it has been bearable, and at times it has been not so bearable. I’ve learnt a lot from living with anxiety, and I’ve learnt that it’s not so hard to cope. It’s actually quite easy, with the right tools. I won’t lie, there are still days where I don’t want to get out of my bed, and my mind convinces me it’s best I stay in my bed, but the difference now is, whenever my anxiety says ‘no’, I say ‘yes’! I do whatever it doesn’t want me to do, regardless of how hard it may seem, and that is the KEY to reducing this burden in your mind. I know that I am strong enough to overcome this anxiety and I know I am brave enough to face everything it throws in my way. 

Experiencing anxiety proved to be difficult enough for me, but little did I know, this anxiety was only the beginning...