Toxic Love

I’ve touched on this subject on numerous occasions on this blog alone, let alone to my friends and family, but it’s something that really meant the world to me, and it will forever be one of my most significant lessons: my first love. 

You all know too well that the ending wasn’t quite the fairytale ending we all picture from these love stories we see portrayed in movies (Disclaimer; they’re all bullshit, happy endings are rare). For me, and for many people who were hurt by the person they loved, they tend to make that person out to be the bad one, they don’t take responsibility and by no means take accountability for their actions. Instead, they displace their actions onto the other person, and justify these as an ‘excuse’ for the way that person treated them. Sometimes it’s important to realise that you’re also the toxic one in the relationship. It’s vital to take responsibility for your actions that weren’t right, or take accountability for the wrong you did, as well as them. 

The first guy I loved made many mistakes. I put that down to his confusion in life. Looking back, I pity him, because I know what it’s like to try and find yourself, although, I must say, when you want to find yourself, don’t put your eggs in one basket. Don’t tell a specific person you like them, because you’re already setting yourself expectations from these people and whilst you continue to “play the field”, you’re going to break hearts simultaneously. So please, if you’re confused, don’t lead people on! Make clear your intentions BEFORE doing anything with a person, and make sure you’re both in mutual agreement of what’s to come/happen. Communication is KEY. 

Despite his mistakes and flaws, I never seemed to recognise my own. I knew that I wanted more from the situation than he did. I communicated my feelings constantly, but he wasn’t so good at the whole communication thing, so his feelings seemed to be all over the place. I never knew how he really felt about me, nor the situation. But where I went wrong is continuing things despite knowing how confused and inconsistent with his feelings he was (inconsistency = red flags). I made some big mistakes also. I was never the angel, I could be very manipulative and toxic at times. I never always respected boundaries the way I do now. I would be very full on, overbearing and sometimes intimidating in the things I used to say and ways I used to act.

In the moment, this toxic persona seemed to have comes from a place of love and frustration coinciding with one another. I was so in love with him, but also hurt and angry at what he would do, say, and the way he would treat me, or the lack of appreciation he would show. Now I look back, it really did come from a place of love. Often, I was blinded by what I was doing, and I couldn’t see the impact on him, and I didn’t realise that the more I would act this way, the further it was pushing him away. 

Some may say I realised a little too late that my actions then, caused the consequences that I subsequently faced. But, I disagree. The realisation that I was just as bad in the ‘situationship’ as he was, kicked in a while after we had ended things, but it kicked in at the right time, because it allowed me to realise he was a great person, just not the wisest when it comes to seeing things from other people’s perspectives. I’m glad things happened the way they did, I’m glad I was able to experience something that really developed my character and brought me a sense of maturity and boundaries within a relationship context. 

I see things differently now, I’m more patient, and more understanding. 

Always reflect on your actions and take accountability for what you’re doing/have done to somebody. Remember things are 50/50 in relationships, so don’t be blinded by love, especially toxic love.