Pan(ic)demic

This is a strange time for us all. We’re restricted to our homes, we’re having to FaceTime our loved ones, and barely any of us have a fixed sleeping pattern, let alone a ‘routine’. It feels as though the world has come to a halt. It’s been harder than it seems to utilise all of the time we now have on our hands. For many, they've had the opportunity to spend more time with their kids, to focus more on the simple things in life, and to appreciate what we usually take for granted. For some, it’s been constant worry, constant panic and fear of what is yet to come. For me, it’s been the perfect opportunity to reflect and to make changes, but most importantly, to look back and remind myself of how far I have come, and what better way to do that, than dedicate a letter to myself, a letter of advice; Reassurance in fact. 

Dear Me, 

You left him over six months ago. He never chased you then, and he certainly isn’t going to chase you now. You sit and wonder what you did so wrong for him not to bother chasing you when you left him. It wasn’t an easy decision, you sacrificed your own heart to prevent him breaking it again. Knowing full well what was to come, the pain that was yet to arrive, you went ahead and ended the thing that mattered most to you, for the sake of your future. Since the day you left him, you’ve watched him move on with other people, you’ve watched him quickly fill the void, whilst you continue strolling through life, clinging to the times and experiences you had with him. You know it in yourself that the minute you let go of these thoughts and memories, he’s gone for good, so you tell yourself to hold on a little longer. 

You’ve sat and contemplated messaging him, asking him for answers he never gave, asking him whether he was even genuine when you were with him? But you soon realise there’s no point. If your love for him wasn’t enough to bring him to the realisation of what he had lost, what makes you think your words will change anything? You sit and you think back to the time where he promised you the world, he promised he would never let someone like you go. What happened? He let you go as if you meant nothing, he didn’t even attempt to show you he cared. Instead of chasing you, he ran to the next person who showed interest, and you’ve sat and watched it happen. You can’t even bring yourself to look at another person, let alone sleep with them. 

I know you’re hurt, and I know people are confused as to why you still can’t move on, you're confused yourself, but you must remember, this is somebody you assumed you’d have forever, your heart wasn’t prepared to lose him, you’re hurt; you’re angry; you’re confused; you’re anxious; you’re regretful, and all you need is time. Reality can be harsh sometimes. Half-hearted relationships and false intentions are soul destroying, yet each day we’re learning, each day we’re one step closer to that happiness again. In fact, we’re already there, we are already feeling the blessing of what seemed to be a nightmare. 

Love, 

Me.

It’s important to understand that not everybody heals the same. Healing sits on a spectrum, people feel things in different ways; see things in different ways, and move on from things at different paces. Amongst everything, it is important to reassure yourself that what you're doing is right, the pace you're going is just fine, and do not feel the need to ‘rush’ or ‘speed up’ this process, because it will be most beneficial to you if you allow it to go at it’s own pace. What’s the rush?

I hope you're all staying safe during this nerving time.