Burn Out

The world around us is becoming more and more obsessive over having this picture perfect life, our distorted versions of a perfect reality are being broadcasted for everybody to see. It’s hard to keep up with the growing demands of this society and fitting in just enough to stand out, yet stay ‘normal’ at the same time. A big part of staying ‘normal’ is pretending as though you have your shit together, when in reality, the world beneath you is falling apart. The hardest part about living in the society that we do, is that judgement is at its peak, criticism is everywhere, and stigma is ruling our conscience. How can we fit into a world where everything is a facade of the dark reality we are all living? 

For a few years, I have experienced how it feels to live with mental health issues, and how crippling it can be for your physical health and your mind. The peak of my poor mental health was during my A-levels. Not only was there such pressure to achieve the best, but my personal life wasn't all that great either. Trying to get straight A’s, whilst battling your biggest demons, is a task not many can face without giving up, or at least being tempted. There was more than one occasion where giving up was very convincing, ending the pain, before it consumed everything I had, before it robbed all of my potential. When you're in a dark place, giving up is something that seems to be the only solution, it means you don't have to wake up to anymore self-doubt, you don't have to endure the feeling of being a living disappointment, you can be free from the demons that possess you to feel the way you do. But this mentality, this mindset, this thought processing, is all part of the depression, it is all your minds game plan. There are times where life gets tough, and where depression creeps in, but in these times, it is vital to not let it get to you, to not let it ruin the beautiful person that you are, the beautiful person that you are becoming. 

It can take one person, one comment or one action to bring you down, and when you fall down, the journey to stand back up, is a long, painful, yet rewarding one. Personally, my mental health was ruled by education and relationships. If any of the two went downhill, my mental health quickly followed. I found it hard to meet the demands of everyday life, whether that be showing up to school, or eating a meal, everything seemed to be an impossible challenge. The best way to describe how I felt is being stuck in the middle of a world that keeps moving, whilst you're stood still, watching life pass you by, watching everyone continue to flourish and live, whilst you deteriorate and stay frozen amongst it all. It was a very difficult time, because for the most part, I was suffering in silence, hiding the fact I was not okay, all to fit into this picture perfect world, I didn't want people to see there was anything wrong with me, I wanted people to look and think “wow he has got his shit together, he knows what he is doing”, when that was far from the truth.

It got to the end of A-levels, I was ready to begin my journey to university and was beyond thrilled that I had secured a place at a great uni on an amazing course. I sat and thought life was treating me so good, my personal life was improving, and things were falling into place, after all the hard work, all the perseverance, everything I had faced had been leading up to this chapter in my life, it was worth it, everything, the struggle to make it, was worth it, until I burned out. 

I hear the term ‘burn out’ and think it’s a phrase to illustrate exhaustion, it doesn't seem to mean much other than simply being tired. Well, at least, thats what I thought. I had never really known anything beyond education, so I thought that by going to university, it was something I would accustom too rather quickly and adapt to in the best way because I am used to it, I am used to exerting my energy and effort into education and learning. After all, education was all that I had. But it got the point where I was so consumed in education, so fixated on doing well and making other people proud of me, that I forgot to check-in on myself. I forgot to see how I was coping, how I was managing. Truth is, I wasn’t. I was so devoted on going to university and making my family proud that I didn't even acknowledge the fact that maybe university just isn't for me. Maybe I don’t want to be in education anymore, maybe I want a break, maybe I want to live, before my life is solely dedicated to a career. What about what I want? This is the part where I felt what it was truly like to burn out. I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. It was as though my anxiety and depression had come all at once, in the worst dose yet. Instead of accepting the fact that university and education wasn't for me at this very moment in time, I continued to stay there, and endure the emotional torture that came with it. I didn't want to leave, because I didn't want to be that person who ‘dropped out’ or who wasn't ‘strong enough’ to face up to the real world. After weeks of missing lectures, staying up into early hours of the morning completing assignments that did not reflect my potential, I decided to defer my place at university, whether it be for a year, for two years, or forever. I knew in myself, that if I had carried on, I wouldn't have managed what so ever. 

From my experience with education and mental health, it is safe to say that regardless of what anybody says about your life, it is YOUR life. You are the person who has to live it, therefore, you are the one who gets to make the calls. Yes, constructive criticism is accepted, but often, not wanted when it comes to life choices. We are all in the same boat. We are all trying to figure ourselves out and figure out the path we’re destined to take. We all have our good days, we all have our bad days, sometimes the bad outweigh the good, but we must remember, each and every one of us are all playing this game we call ‘life’. Not everyone has it smooth-sailing, yet not everyone has their shit together either. No matter how perfect you portray yourself to be, you will never be able to hide from the demons that come to haunt you. Rather than hide from them, stand up and fight them. Fight them until you are emotionally, physically and mentally ready to take on the world. Do what makes YOU happy, not what you think others will be most proud of. Live your life, the way you want to because as far as human life is concerned, there are no do-overs, so make the most of your potential, create the life you've dreamt of, and admire the journey you are about to embark on.